Corey Wade | @cwadepga
Here at the Back Row Church Nursery, we are happy to help you find your best fit in serving Christ. All roles and jobs are important and vital to our ministry, so please read the following job descriptions to find where you will serve best according to your gifts:
Senior Adult All-star: You have raised enough children and grandchildren to form a small militia. In the snow, 15 miles both ways mind you. Your presence serves as the backbone of our labo- uh, volunteer force. You are full of knowledge and we want you to dispense this knowledge to absolutely anyone within earshot. Home remedies of questionable origins are most encouraged.
Youth Church Skipper: Do you have a burning desire to skip the 9 am service at any cost? The church nursery is just the place for you. This is an entry level position and to gain entry, you must make sure to be able to make a case for your own helpfulness and willingness to serve. Upon successfully making said plea, please make sure that your serving includes staring blankly at your phone and avoiding eye contact with others at all costs.
Newbies: The position is reserved for those newly married and hoping to start a family one day. What better place to practice than with the sweet little angels in our church nursery?
*** On an unrelated note, Back Row Church is not responsible for any injuries sustained during nursery service, popsicle stick related or otherwise.***
Reluctant Husband: Yes, that is your name signed in next to your wife’s. Hope you didn’t wear your good tie. This is a fairly easy position to fill. Your primary objective is to ensure that you are more disruptive than at least 3-4 of the children that you are watching combined. This is best accomplished by wrestling, throwing things, and giving the children unhindered access to the snacks. Once you have completely worked the children up into a frenzy, please feel free to leave and head to the service.
P.O.P. (Prisoner of Parenting): A question that many have pondered throughout the ages: Is it mandatory to serve in the nursery if you have a child that is in the nursery? Yes, it is. Do your time. If you're lucky, we will give you an early release for good behavior……unless of course you get pregnant, then we have you for another 4 years. Muhahahaha-*cough* I mean, Congratulations!!! You are doing your time and time is of the essence. If the Holy Spirit needs to accomplish something, he needs to be done at 11 am sharp.
Media Wizard: Your sole job is to keep the children alive in between drop off and pick up. The best way to accomplish this…turn on the television. This is a black ops position. You must do said mission with the utmost discretion. If you are found out, we will disavow all knowledge of said mission and take the stance that we encouraged you to read Leviticus to the children. Tactics should include talking produce or animals of some form or fashion.
Children’s Pastor’s Spouse: You will feel the strong desire to be helpful since you have to arrive an hour before service with your spouse. RESIST this urge at all costs. You must walk the very tough tightrope of being seen and accomplishing nothing. Your goal is clear. Eat as much goldfish and snacks as possible without getting caught. I hear that they keep the good stuff in the locked cabinet. You know where those keys are right?
Helicopter Parents: Do you feel a general distrust of all caregivers other than yourself? We would love to have you in our nursery watching your own child. Otherwise, the second the door closes and you leave, we are going to pinch them. We apologize for the inconvenience, it's just our policy.
See you on Sunday!
Corey Wade decided to put his Biblical Studies degree to good use by becoming a PGA Golf Professional in Crossville, Tennessee. He and his beautiful wife Karyn are foster parents currently with three children that are apart of their forever family. His main hobbies include reading boring books, drinking coffee, and starting new hobbies only drop them weeks later. He secretly desires to be a reformed hipster and quote Augustine, but doesn't like the way his legs look in skinny jeans. You can contact him on twitter @cwadepga or his email firstname.lastname@example.org. Go Vols!!!